Dealing with hurts and bitterness?

I have just watched a program on the Lockerbie anniversary. It studies the reactions of the bereaved families ten years on. Some are eaten with the desire for vengeance. Others have had their lives ruined by bitterness. My friends John and Lisa appear as one of the few signs of hope. They are still missing their daughter who was on that Pan Am flight.

This study has grown out our need to face hurtful events. I will look at such questions as

* How can I stay pure when critical things are being said? 
* How should you respond when malicious or untrue things are said about you? 
* How should you react when another is hurt? 
* What motivates people to distort truth or even lie? 
* What help is available during difficult or trying times? 
* Should you defend yourself or defend others?

Firstly an encouragement. 

God's Word clearly states that as believers, we will be subject to attack. To suffer as believers is to be counted a joy - for Christ has considered us worthy to follow in His Footsteps. Of course those who are causing the hurt will strenuously deny that their opposition is anything other than justice, or their idea of truth! Rejoice in suffering: "Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and cast insults at you, and spurn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. "Be glad in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets. Luke 6:22,3

1 Pet 2:19 For this finds favour, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. 1 Pet 2:20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favour with God. At the receiving end of gossip. Motivation of a slanderer - to add to pain - vengeance - Self-justification - Revealing own heart

Mat 12:34 "You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak 

Heb 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. 

A "root of bitterness" is often the cause of the greatest difficulty for men. 
When bitterness is allowed to develop in the heart, the end result is defilement. Bitterness and genuine gratitude to God cannot coexist. Neither is it possible to submit humbly to the providence of God and at the same moment harbour bitterness. 

The words "lest anyone fall short of the grace of God" are not intended to promote the idea of apostasy. A better interpretation here of "fall short" is "come behind." Bitterness develops when one "comes behind" in the grace of God. 
The example of Jesus is still relevant today: "Many false witnesses came forward. But later on two came forward, and said, "This man stated, 'I am able to destroy the temple of God and to rebuild it in three days.' "Mat 26:60,61 

We must notice the same methods that were used against Jesus may well be used with us. Jesus did say "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." John 2:19 Jesus never said He would destroy The Temple. Also as John clearly points out Jesus was talking about His physical body - not the Jerusalem Temple. The wonderfully prophetic and pure words of Jesus were taken and reproduced in such a way as to mean a totally opposite thing. Half-truths or quotations out of context are much more effective than manufactured lies. 

It is important to realise that we are human.

There is not one human that is beyond criticism. Even believers, and even leaders (especially leaders!) have failings and shortcomings. If everyone began looking for faults in other believers - there would not be any work of God left! 

But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be consumed by one another. Gal 5:15 

Some wished to attack Paul by misquoting his teaching on grace: 

'And why not say (as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say), "Let us do evil that good may come"? Their condemnation is just.' Rom 3:8 

Each time Paul is attacked, he tried to reconcile:- although it seems that he may not have met with much success: 

"when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now." 1 Cor 4:13
Paul knew that as God's servant he would be attacked, he mentioned that he was accused of being dishonorable, a deceiver and the reports given were of him being an evil man!
"by glory and dishonour, by evil report and good report; regarded as deceivers and yet true;" 2 Cor 6:8 

In my heart, and no doubt yours also, there is an almost inability to understand how this can be. How could true believers be so hurtful? Yet it is so. Paul shows us that in the early church - while there were yet people alive, who had known Jesus, there was this same trouble: 

"For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarrelling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder." 2 Cor 12:20 

Please note we are not saying that such an unsatisfactory state of affairs is inevitable - rather just that with human sinfulness, such things did and do happen!


How do we respond: 
Do we criticize the criticisers? Do we attack the aggressive - do we dive in for the moat in another's eye. All of us are tempted by evil thoughts, but the difference is that the critic, gossip, talebearer and troublemaker do not resist the temptation and condemn their fellow believers. 

How do we handle such attacks? 

1. We could respond by a fierce counter-offensive. If they dare to criticize me, I will spread around some of the things that I know about them - and see how much they like that! Such an option is not open to the believer

2. We can withdraw from the one who is being criticized.
Paul cried out with anguish. The criticism against Paul was such that even good Christians such as Phygelus and Hermogenes left him. "You are aware of the fact that all who are in Asia turned away from me, among whom are Phygelus and Hermogenes." 2 Tim 1:15
To run and hide when our fellow believer is being attacked is faithless to say the least. It is not to say that Paul didn't have his faults, but he needed that support and they let him down.

3. The scriptural method.

i. Forgive - gossip or tale bearing ALWAYS shows there is unforgiveness. "And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also Eph 4:32

ii. Try and conciliate. This is impossible when the individual will not be open about their grievance or will not discuss it. A common tactic is the 'Damn and Scram.' This is to attack, then refuse to discuss and withdraw.

iii. Love your enemies. Love does not imply that you will do what the aggrieved person demands, it does imply that we seek for their good. Mat 5:44 "But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.

iv. Pray for those who despitefully use you. Prayer can be used as a vehicle for gossip and criticism - it must not be so! "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:28 Do good. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Rom 12:21 vi be gentle and forbearing. Titus 3:1 Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, Titus 3:2 to malign no one, to be uncontentious, gentle, showing every consideration for all men.

Practical Wisdom from God's Word to help you:

How God's Word commands us concerning such people:

 1. If at all possible let the offence pass: it is a wise and glorious reaction. Prov 19:11 "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence."

2. Never never never repeat gossip: He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Prov 17:9

3. Avoid a gossip - be polite and courteous - but tell them you do not wish to hear critical gossip unless the individual is there to defend themselves. "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." Prov 20:19

4. Do not associate with the sin of the gossip - God will require it of you: "You shall not bear a false report; do not join your hand with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. Exo 23:1

5. Take efforts to rid yourselves of all trace of evil speaking: Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Pet 2:1

The Fruit of Gossip:

1. It provokes trouble For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. Prov 26:20

2. It shows a contentious spirit Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife. Prov 26:21

3. Gossip is enjoyable - but will contaminate a person throughout: The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body. Prov 26:22

4. It is a betrayal A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. Prov 11:13 Note this does not mean that we are not to confront one another with sin or faults - but the guidelines are: Is it true/ Is it kind? Is it necessary?

5. It makes a person's walk worthless: Prov 16:27 A worthless man digs up evil, While his words are as a scorching fire.

6. It is unloving and divisive He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Prov 17:9

7. It is destructive to relationships A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers. Prov 6:19 A perverse man spreads strife, And a slanderer separates intimate friends. Prov 16:28

The Danger of Hurt by Proxy.

It is human, and a very strong trait in Ireland to spring to the defence of one whom we see as being wronged. Often this support will severely damage the hurt person; it will compound their view of the seriousness of their hurt and make it more difficult for them to forgive. It can also split friendships and trust.

God calls us to support one another - not to take on their causes - whether justified or imagined. Such proxy hurt has often been the motive for revenge hate and murder - it has nothing to do with being a Christian.

In Judges 20 a concubine was terribly raped and murdered. The husband was outraged and called for revenge. He cut the body of his wife into twelve pieces and posted them throughout Israel. The crime was horrendous - but it was only by a handful. As a result over twenty five thousand men of the tribe of Benjamin were slaughtered and the tribe was nearly wiped out.

Hurt by Proxy is anextremely dangerous and evil thing. 

GOD SPEAKS:

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

James 4:11 Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother, or judges his brother, speaks against the law, and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge of it.

Lev 19:16 "'Do not go about spreading slander among your people. "

Why do people gossip/slander/be critical?

1. Self Justification.

By attacking and accusing - the person believes that the spot-light will be turned away from their true actions. By criticizing the alleged offender, they feel more justified in feeling bitterness.

2. To repay -vengeance.

It is human nature to require vengeance. Gossip/character assassination is a form of vengeance. Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother, or judges his brother, speaks against the law, and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge of it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor? James 4:11,12 Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and stand he will, for the Lord is able to make him stand. Rom 14:4

3. Because they are revealing their true heart state.

Almost always, a critical person will be revealing their own heart or even sin. Not so long ago, a famous evangelist attacked another over sexual sin. Later it transpires that they both had been sinning sexually. A very critical pastor in the UK criticized Pentecostals. Shortly afterwards he was arrested by the police for soliciting. Jesus said "You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. Mat 12:34 He explained: "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45

4. To avoid having to face forgiveness

If I can criticise the person enough, I will make sure that

1., they don't ask me for forgiveness and

2, I don't feel that I need to forgive them.

Jesus clearly taught that unforgiveness means that sins remain in the life of the hurt person. This will totally compromise their walk with God. 

How can I handle hurt?

 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled; Heb 12:15 Bitterness comes when a perceived hurt (real or imagined) is not dealt with. It festers and results in anger then into bitterness. It is totally destructive, and will defile anyone who comes in close contact with it.

Bitterness comes when a person fails to take hold of the grace of God.

A serious hurt can be totally dealt with by turning to The Lord and receiving His Grace (i.e. God's help in our need.) Failure to avail of God's Grace is a perfect opportunity for Satan to water the seeds of bitterness. When someone wrongs us, or slanders us or criticizes us unfairly, it is important to put it immediately under God's Grace. Grace will not take away the pain - especially if the hurt was deliberate, but it will give us the strength to bear it and come through without bitterness.

What can I do to stop the gossips?

Do I take it to God for Him to sort out. This is a yes and no answer. We are expected to sort out everyday hurts and bothers. Have we checked to see if the alleged hurt was real or intended? Where you being critical when you said...?

Bitterness is a terrible evil - have nothing to do with it, and if a bitter person refuses to deal with the issue, be vary weary with your dealings with them - they can so easily spoil your walk with God.

(Please use the above freely for non-profitmaking publications - I would appreciate if you could let me know if it was helpful - Mike)